I wonder (3 Feb 2010)

and I wonder
what it means to play the game
what it means to know my name

what it means to be found
and I wonder
how it feels

to be seen as it is
in life that combines
our dreams to real life

and I wonder how it feels
to be an open mind
to send and receive

with clear pure line
how the channel speaks my name
how the earth spend my time

how the sky sets the starts
to remind me of my way
home

flow (30 Jan 2010)

I just met an extra terrestrial
(that sounds so sensational)
indeed the sensation I got

was wanting to sit next to you
wanting to know you
  further than your name

wanting to know how you
came to be
  in a woman’s body

in a man’s voice
on a suicide pact
that failed and here you are

you sound sensational
your gift; the sensations of sound
you call it language

I feel sad when I speak
I am unable to tell you
what makes me tick, my words

are inadequate at its best
I feel like a contradiction
sounding vague and invested

you ask me to try Kojsh
  the language you learnt
to speak to your goddess

the source of all, the light
that brought you in to being.
You lead; confident, self contained

lying on your back
and out you breathe, throwing
your limbs with the sound

it’s playful; you are earnest
I want to talk with you (and her)
so I lie back and breathe and stretch

out my reply; short, punctuated
crisp, like my gesture
- this helps you say

You lead; moving your limbs out slower
your language trots through
that space. I follow; my arms

flowing, my sound breathing
and now introducing my self.
You speak again, clicks

inhabiting syllables and glottal
stops pregnating the sound.
My hands conduct my

Language, hitting a bubble of
laughter. We are talking!
I am talking more likely a truth

that meets no contradictions, language
that is not squeezed through
a tiny channel in my brain

this language has no attached
meaning – only
I understand that I am passing

information; the important stuff
like there’s a complete
auto-biology that I wear, and it is asking

for expression from within
by way of service; a contribution
to all efforts in raising life’s vibration

let me be of value

something like that is transmitted
through my conducting hands
my swirling signal of sound

and the tears loosening
  in my eyes. You take my hand
You understand

You tell me my way
  of existence is to arrive
where time is art and not money

in the freedom of our life
long conversation, I think I
sent my first totally unattached

prayer; a prayer in the
language of angels where
no-words are a flow of sound

the sound of creation
feeling oh so tangible
and so immediately creative

inner peace (24 Jan 2010)

the falling leaf
of inner peace
is destined to land

deep (14 Jan 2010)

I am profoundly affected
only you don’t know
  you didn’t know

something deep inside
  detangles itself – collapses
because

you are toning, low earth notes
you are gifting Earth Mother’s
  vibration into my heart

I feel so … so Held
  held in touch
  held in safe surrender

to the space existing between
  our bellies
  and own hearts’ opening

you are toning and I am in
  deep surrender, thank you
  for holding the space open

only … you don’t know
nothing has sounded from
  my lips, nothing is happening

in front of you, and you pull
  away, feeling unmet, feeling
I am holding on or holding back

an impatient stirring pulls you
  and in that movement
I am birthed and abandoned

I am shockingly naked
disorientated by aloneness
  something went wrong

  I am separate
  I am cold and burnt
  I am wombless

all agony surfaces
and I cry, loud and
  belly felt

my shoulder and bosom return
Earth Mother returns
Your Touch returns

I am rebirthed.

getting it true (14 Jan 2010)

can you say thank you, I ask
     (that’s not it)
are you hearing me, I correct
     (that’s still not it)
I want to be noticed, I state
     (this is getting closer)
I want to feel desirable, I cry
     (yes)
I’m scared of her
she asks so much of me
she takes up all my energy … and …
  I want to make love in every moment
     (no)
  I want to make love WITH every moment
     (Yes!)
Thank you for letting me get it true

walk with me, alone (7 Jan 2010)

wake up she calls
she calls me forward
see what I can create, with you
in a twilight thought for rest
in your power to manifest

walk with me alone

see with your soles
  touching me
naked toes resting and kissing
  the earth
lightly caress the air of existence
lightly feel my insistence

walk with me alone

for you, simply you
rest your mind, leave it behind
as a ripple on a still lake
leave it behind
and descend into my womb of creation
let me know your elation

walk with me alone

you know how sacred I am
you kneel and bow to my tree
you lie in my roots, hearing my hum
I AM Great Mother Earth
You are singing and remembering this
  magical birth

walk with me alone

dreaming (19 Nov 2009)

I almost remember
  like there’s one note in a symphony
  remembered by the tuning fork

or there’s one poppy bought
  on rememberance day
  and all other flowers loose their name

there needs to be a motif
  in this dream
  that will wake me up

something that I can hold
because that dream remembers
  who I really am

a pointer that points
  at itself
is a potent symbol

I wake up thinking there’s something
to remember, something
is asking me to know my dream

most intimately

final casa operation (19 Nov 2009)

I’m unsure why I got operated
on this time
I feel at full health
cheia de graca

I’m boundless and bounding
full of life’s wonders
and enthusiasm

I’m light on my feet and
agile in mind
my heart is resting in the
rose quartz
and dancing a pink glow
into my neighbours

I see only flower on their
faces, and oh how I adore
my husband. I must be
ready to give this energy
back, in service to the Casa

– maybe the Entities current
room, or let me rekindle with Grace
in the room of Operations

I can be humbled in there
anytime. (it’s not me after all, that
glows, it is God)

Just take me, I’m ready
and even my request
has surrendered to you
– proxima passo – what’s next?

for I am willing to Grace

and then you say ‘Operation’
I laugh. This is hysterical. No;
it’s inconceivable. I’m ready!
I’m ready As Is! Come on!
see me as perfect!

Stop this continual tinkering!
really, I thought this was my week
to be of great servitude, not of
great solitude again

I have no more requests. I am ready to leave.

my feline angel (15 Jan 2009)

a cat’s whisker passes me by
a second before I knew I needed
her; I spasm, inch myself to bed

my feline angel accompanies me
and composes herself on my covers
to stay the duration

she is next door neighbour’s
she is visiting
my hospital bed, all day if need

and need says yes
I, on my back, lie with her
she purrs and sleeps

with my pain
she tells me it’s alright
to lie in bed all day

at night she goes home
wishing me comfort
and she’s back the next day

early, climbs straight onto
my bed, I still have need of her.
I can pat her now, and

every time I pass my hand
over her full and nourished belly
I can feel the caverns of contentment

so completely sated in lying
in bed, in being adored
and knowing she’ll always, always

always she’ll be fed on time
this is my healing
I am touching cat consciousness

back (14 Nov 2009)

I thought I was going today
I was stepping through the door
  to find my way out

and yesterday I cried
when I said goodbye
I don’t think I’m ready

  but I’m leaving
there are adventures to
  show off

I was stepping out the door
and something collapsed
  around my heart

  supporting my breath
I am stabbed in the back
I’m demobilised, lying flat

unsure of my new mechanics
how do I move without
  any of my known functions

it’s safer
just to surrender to my bed
I’m needing here, severed memories

bind me to this place, the decision
was made for me –
I’m not leaving yet

I’m back, flat on my back and wondering what’s next?

dear pilgrim (10 Nov 2009)

thank you for your restless spirit
      dear pilgrim
that every day moves you
  as a shooting star
towards Today when we meet
  in Abadiania
so far from any birth place
yet at the centre of our home

Thank you for walking by
      dear pilgrim
thank you for seeing me as a flower
thank you for carrying God’s
  water can
your words are the rain
in one shower you help me grow

and I think this is because
you are walking in every man’s shoes
to feel what he feels
to know when to laugh
and at the end, you complement
  your journey and companions
as a dear brother and sister
brought into your heart

thank you for singing
      dear pilgrim
the journeys of your heart
thank you for sprinkling joy
  into our stories
and playing them back
  pure and angelic
thank you, dear pilgrim, thank you
  for coming into our home

empty me (7 Nov 2009)

watch me disappear
  body, mind, soul
under a cascading
  cacuera (waterfall)

a deep spring drowning
to start again
all over
and empty me

empty me
empty me
empty me

watch me disappear
  body, mind, soul
aching to be freed
to follow the light up there

fill me up
  bring new light
new love for this heart
and empty me

the deepest you’ve ever been (1 Nov 2009)

you think you forgive
you think it ten thousand times
and say it aloud, a ritual
  of meaning

you think it complete and
true in your heart – I forgive
  you – it’s sincere, punctured
into so many prayers. You think
  you forgive.

Only, you know how every real
  estrangement feels
in every second of every prayer
how a lid contains the real pain

  that God is separate from me
  that Love is divided from me

this is the deepest you’ve ever been

because somewhere
  in one of those prayers
you find yourself
  defenceless

vulnerability that needn’t
  surrender because
  there’s nothing left
  to give or loose

you find yourself
  sad and worthless
  and shrivelling
in wonder at how much
  you deny

  God and love
and light and grace
and in that prayer
you find forgiveness is

  a by-product, an accident
that happens in love
  an accident destined
before you ever knew to ask

forgiveness (1 Nov 2009)

I was a a little surprised
to see you could still fit
  in my heart

I thought you well and truly
  banished
those old I Love You’s

  seed deep, they never
actually leave, they never
intended to change my life

either. It’s a simple truth
  every love transforms
into itself again, the divine

holds and forgives
the deepest and silliest
  sorrows, yes this parched

heart can hold so much more
than I ever knew
existed

to find you still here
(in my heart)
shows how truly vast love is

a piece of you (1 Nov 2009)

connecting
everything I see
to the One

it’s freedom to be here
it’s freedom to be seen
  like music following
  it’s heart
there’s no story anymore
everything has past
there’s gonna be space
  to float
there’s grace on board
always has been
  music following it’s heart

and
a piece of you
is connecting everything
I see to the One

there are countless stars
countless miracles
  that scar
how I got here
  took many life times
these days I’m connecting
  everything
they all belong to the One

to the One
belong to the One

a piece of you is part
of that infinite
  masterpiece
I designed it in heaven
I know it off by heart

and now
I’m connecting everything
I see to the One

Yes a piece of you
made this story come true
a piece of you stays
  in my heart

I’ll be yours (31 Oct 2009)

I’ll be yours
till the end falls away
I’ll be yours

there’s a shadow in truth
trying to find
the pure light of us

seeking
our highest self is calling
come be with me

come play in the garden
the sun in shining
and I need you

I need you in light
  shining on my shadows
shine on my shadow
it’s a long journey
  but I’ll be yours

sometimes I’m gonna hide
sometimes I’m gonna cry
there’s a thorn
there’s a barbed word hangin round

it’s not easy to be glorious
  and gracious in the light
shining on my shadows
shine on my shadow

and I need us in the light
I will be
  Yours

Till the end falls away

evangelical hearts (30 Oct 2009)

thank you for wishing me
well into the heart of Jesus
you remain unconvinced

I will find him, dreams
are free you say, and
believe nothing to be free

I tell you; the light and love
of every plant and animal
and stream and tree

are more disarming
in life than you will ever
allow your self to know

I can only believe
in the message of Jesus
as a life force in a movement

any movement will do
how can you disregard
all else for Him?

you wish me to know
jesus, I will you to
know freedom

and that can never be
while we think the other
is without

surviving each other (30 Oct 2009)

there’s a tender soul
opening the door
without a word

you are instantaneous
no sooner after the pencil
  starts forgiving

you come so beautifully
artfully, ardently into
my arms, and I, in yours

no words spoken, no words lost
this is the way we
survive

in silence, it’s easy to surrender
this is how we love
each other

as tender and tussling waves into
the other and into the
  wider ocean

there we go again (30 Oct 2009)

the amount of time a mere trip
on a word, and the appending
how was I suppose to know

like maybe we were mind readers
at some stage, and now
terrible assumers

there we go again

both so allergic to
the disharmonic balance
and the ensuing Last Word

so many walls summoned
crumbling caves into solitary
confining the other

and our hearts are outside
bleeding and
begging to be open

there we go again

are we tearing
something open
that needs a tender touch?

The driest scape of my heart (25 Oct 2009)

yesterday you granted me
permission to see
the infinite colour and texture
  of (our) love

it didn’t come softly
  or smooth; hurt never does
a steady rain smoothes
away the grit of anger

  exposed
my sharp toothed Ego slams
shut the window –
defensiveness, like full
length curtain dull the noise

it’s dark in here. A heavy
rain knocks knocks knocks
I’m worn to the core – I feel
  stripped; awkwardly naked

words hurt when I touch them
they scratch tear drops down
  my face

and I see what I am watering
has seeded in the rockiest
driest scape of my heart

the worthless soil I never
raked, for had I before -
something more than ugly
  would rise

I would declare myself
a barren lot, close the street
shut the city; don’t play here!
don’t play here …

love excluded me
  from this lie, I dig deeper
I am in a safe place

loosening the dirtiness
opening the windows
stepping out
  it’s pouring with rain outside

as I understand it
love can not stay dormant
a seed, the compressed DNA
of all my life times’ failures

  and stepping stones, of all my
ancestors’ pains and faultings
(not least of all my parents)

of all shame that I, in this
life time, buried – all these
seeds will find expression
  through love. IN love.

(please don’t confuse
these expressions with
the essence of your Being)

The essence of your Being
is shining in darker spaces
you will feel ugly
  for a time

The essence of your Being
is shining in darker spaces
because there is an equal
vibration (it is all called love)

so vast it transforms
  like a smile
all expressions of life

dance in the thunder

for this is a very good thing
that is happening to you