Tag Archives: betrayal

violation shared (11 Sept 2011)

9 Dec

At 14 she experience a kind of violence
that no girl should ever know.

There was alcohol and
a lack of adult supervision
and a boy
who wanted something
without asking first.

Did he feel entitled?
Did he see the pleasure
in front of him, like a skirt
riding shorter
as a means of relief
from his own loneliness?

Desire burnt away compassion
and at the expense of all else
he stole the gratification
of then and there.

Did he know in that short moment
his act would imprint a death
an aching loss
of breath, a hatred that would burn
inward and inward
until every cell poisoned itself
and her hair would hang limp
and her legs would bled
the damage.

Did he know she scratched her skin
knowing no beauty
and she hated the violence
like she hated the blood
from her womb.

She never forgave
She never forgot
She told the story
over and over to reference her pain
in this world like a marker on a map

She diminished herself and she forgot what she created.

She forgot, because she would not
have acted so violently
if she’d remembered.

Did she feel entitled?
Did she see the pleasure in front of her?
Like the answer to all her pain?
Her loneliness. The relief of
then and there. The gratification
of her dreams in that instant
burning away compassion.

Did she know in that long moment
her desires would burn a new death
an aching loss as a wedding ring
and a sacred promise fell off his finger
for good. Did she know she ripped
my womb from me? Did she know
the barren world she cast me in to?

Did she know she stole what was most sacred to me,

most fragile…

in marriage

But that hate had reason to return, those dark clouds lay in waiting and the shame brought
no light.

… I wonder why she could not have asked first
Why she could not have consented
to wait …

But she learned from violence
and she dropped those same
stones in the ocean. A tidal wave
is a tidal wave

and she is no better
or worse
that the man who wronged her.

She is oblivious in her
realisation of pleasure

because she has shown
she can do to others
what others have done to her.

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death meets us (12 Aug 2011)

13 Oct

I know death will meet us
in various guises
like cancer
or lies
or betrayal

Sacral chakra (11 Feb 2010)

12 Feb

I am in motion, sacral chakra
Charting territory of the
Emotional landscape which
I find as large as a continent

As isolating as Easter Island
And as pounding as the great
Falls of Iguzu
(The Devil’s Gate is off limits

Due to too much rain)
A great change comes to me
In the shape of
Tears and Honesty

I am drowning in my own
Lies and fantasies
And ideas of acceptability
A huge betrayal is approaching

Unguarded, I touch Truth
And it issues me
An ultimatum: Set your life right!
Meet Love. Follow Love. Follow your heart

I am ready to choose my way

In the consequence of this action
I love. I desire. I burn. I hate
I hurt. I unglue my self. I seek
Something that is more than I am

And never have I felt so lost

Root Chakra (11 Feb 2010)

11 Feb

I start this journey at the Base
Earth, Grounding
Set in motion on the Camino de Santiago

Set a light by a life
That knows me as
Someone other than I am

I have a choice
Yet I give the decision away
Because I can’t find a reason

Watch me as I claw to Stability
At every cross roads
Where something more is being asked of me

Yet, stability is what I clutch to
I reason it as loyalty, honour, integrity
(like my mother taught)

I feel it as disquiet and a yearning that injures
All I know

If I am to survive; truly survive
Then I need to touch the one thing
That brings me alive

Travel

So here are the letters to my soul
When I cried to her as an unknown being
Of such gravity and grace

Knowing only that there was something
More to life and me
Than the impending marriage into society

be still (20 Aug 2009)

9 Jan

you say you are a peace loving man

a peaceful man would know
what it is to strike against Trust
how the impact bleeds into the earth
and a sanctuary shudders at the assault

broken into; we have open hearts and
open doors, you couldn’t knock and
be still? and listen to the birds
in your heart singing you away
to get help my friend

you pushed too far, in a cornered mind
  you can not see,
  you can not see
you need to be still, my friend get help

because you can not see our hearts bleeding
you can not see where peace lies
in your own heart
it is in our shared stillness so
  be still my friend
   be still

holy triangle (02 Dec 2007)

20 Aug

last night’s full moon gave me
a spectacular
touch

in the same way you do

I felt soaked in radiant light
and beauty and cocooned
in peaceful rest

I felt that close to you

and today, all day, I am bouncing
round in excitement
about seeing you again

about snuffling my way back into your arms

and chest with a kind of hic-cupping purr
and sigh and giggle
and maybe a snort too for good measure

bounce bounce
I’m so thrilled
it is you

I am coming to see

I turned over a new leaf last night
I start here – at the end of my story –
because, I have to confess

I haven’t held this space all week

my disentangling myself
from a triangle
made me face up to my

… dunno…

wants and desires perhaps
not sure, but I flowed with
my sense and impressions

to see where they would lead

and without much censoring
on my part, I came and left
the arms of

that triangle. We talked

through all that was unresolved
between us, and this led
us back in – and then very quickly out –

of that romantic space. I dived, I died

I dropped every moral ‘should’
to find the truth behind
the push and rush of desire

and in there I touched something insubstantial, an empty want

that gap where my ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’
dissolved, so entirely
that – come full moon –

my heart said totally and utterly

You! I hope this doesn’t dilute
or pollute your still water pure heart
your total completeness, I accept

you can only be as angry (hurt?) as you need to be with me

know that I want to hear it all
for we have not talked
like this, raw and reflective

to each other, it’s new

it’s weird having no
track-record in your eyes
you must think me flaky

this bouncing round in an emotional triangle

is not my fare
I love and adore being total
the shadow in my heart was confused

for whatever reason. When we were together, I find

it is easy to be present with you
– even with those loose ties still hanging
in my heart

but this time apart has given me the necessary window

to naturally, open and air
cobwebs and veils and red cords
and without forcing

tie them up, and know they are not mine

I feel uplifted, knowing that Love
flowed as it intended
it told me the story I needed

to hear, in a way, this is kind of what you were asking

of me. To know. I just feel
that inappropriate knot and glare
– my own static –

that I didn’t censor the ending

God! I hope we can still chase butterflies
and golden light together
I hope we can do much more as one

I really truly want to commit

to being total with you
with no expectation other than
letting my self and your self come into Being

I love you and…

I know I am imperfect
and yet I am compassionately reminded
today that Life is Perfect

I think starting from friendship is
a gentle place to start. I can smile knowing
the vast and infinite love that you and I contain

will spill over the edges of friendship, we can’t help ourselves

my heart is dancing in your sphere
whether you join me or not
I am there

peace to you, Beloved, will you dance with me?

in sunshine
in rainshine
in moonshine

in love
out of love

in Christ, in Buddha, in Shiva

in body, mind and spirit
in total and absolute darkness
in radiant disarming light?

Will you dance with me Beloved?

burning every belief in love (7 Sep 2006)

11 Jun

it was a hint of a promise;
a hint of freedom
in our distance

not mattering when
one blossoms
  and the other naked

all faith, hope and trust
came from
this (idea);

I thought the universe was on
  our side
(together)

what a cosmic let down!
what a death this brings me
no surviving spirit

burning every belief in love

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