Tag Archives: suffering

off centre (17 Nov 2010)

14 Feb

there’s no centre from here
a rope tightens
and my throat burns
bile in my breath
old ideas, the fumes of past relationships
I inhale the
addiction
hooded insanity carved into words
and strung round my neck
I am identifying with pain

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fear in living (7 July 2010)

10 Jul

he says; there is more fear in living
like one atom, one chromosome
slid away from Everything
and in this, he lost a crucial memory

and if the last breath were to resolve
as a chant resolves into nothingness
like a dying cinder of unity
and placed between his lips

and if he were told, this breath
in, or the absence of, holds the secret
of all connections, how fragile it is then
to live not knowing

how frightening to forget
he was ever connected
nor knowing if ever he will be again
in this life time

wretched (15 Oct 2009)

24 Jan

the most insane thing I can experience is Hate
(when I am irreconcilable to love)
it need only to live in one thought

it says; you bring out the worst in me
and I believe it because I bite and lash out
I snarl at the leash that you put round my neck

I heave in my cave where you don’t allow my silence
I am echoing with revulsion at how little I love
my membrane is so thin, a scratch becomes caverns of
  separation

I collapse, this is not what I want
I am loathed to open my eyes
I drown in the insanity
  of hating this moment
I am exhausted, wretched, in utter despair

The most insane thing I can experience is Hate
oh God!
Let light find me in my sleep.

make room to be present (31 Aug 2009)

9 Jan

make room to see
  see that red exists in greens
  trees can be a naked purple
  grass can be so far apart even
   in a carpet lawn
  see the warmth rise and set
  the dancing tea-light expand
   larger than its wick
  see the moon turn
   into a decoration
  or a pond stand still
  see what flowers look like asleep
   (like kittens waiting for milk)
  see birds make crazy angles
  and braches bop to their song of support

and in amongst all the perfect
placements, there exists so much
space, moving as fast as I walk and
  as slow as a breathing mind

make room to hear
  hear the throbbing digestive belly
  traffic, a constant toning of arteries
  and asphalt. The enormous song
  of trees, pausing and disappearing
  into the white noise, here comes
  a whispering blue, an enthusiastic
  yellow. Orchestrating, conducting
  from root to branch
  the dance in a birds throat
  pealing now into now

and in amongst all the perfect
notes there exists so much space, falling and held
in the vast orchestra of in-between
gaps, tuning fork trees, all is
here to exist in this sound
  so sound can exist

make room to smell
  a peculiar breath, entirely conscious
  smell the wood, alive and dead
  smell death, rich and sweet in the
  foliage, in the foliage smell life
   bringing attention to itself
  smell the heat, smell last night’s
  sleep, smell our feet next to the chickens
  and the chicken’s next meal
  And when sitting, a soft
  delicate fragile memory of fragrance
  wafts under my nostril
  into my spine, onto my lips, into
  my spine, onto my lips

and in amongst all the perfect
and stray memories and threads
comes the slow light fragrance of attention
  and breath

make room to taste
  taste the empty bowl when it was full
  while it is full. Linger on the crunch
  and texture; how it melts – knowing
  this in itself is delicious. How it bites
  back or holds an hour long flavour in
  one single bite. Let the tongue swim
  in desire for just this second because
  this sense, like none other, is willing
  to take its turn, slowly salivate
  desire bringing a perfect readiness
  nature is doing her job, nature is
  swallowing, digesting, absorbing
  and letting go exactly and precisely
  balancing a complex organism so simply
  so simply

and in amongst all the perfect
choreography of tongue and thanksgiving
I remember; I am blessed. I am
loved more than I will ever know.
I am Gratitude. Abundance. And the
pain-staking obliteration of everything
else focused on the end of my fork

make room to feel
  feel the pinpoint attention
  mine melting, yours piercing
  feel the still pond, feel the bolder
  drop when I lift the lid
  feel the slideshow reverberate on
  thin skin, feel the depthless
  struggle for survival, the nature
  of all things running its course, the
  disgrace and dignity dying like an
  extinction of something honoured
  feel the helplessness, go as deep as
  space itself, take the drop to the ocean
  and cry for humanity, for degradation
  that takes a being so far from
  home and so desperately hungry and thirsty

feel where you are not allowed
  to go, where the most beneficent and
  sustaining law for the soul
  is the very lid that denies and excludes
the heart of reality. Feel the dissection
the eroding and crumbling of the sun
the Life Giving. The source of sound
and sight
and smell
and taste,
feel all this shine sombrely, shine blazingly on
your skin!

and in amongst all the perfect
emotions, rough, raw and jarring
or polished as a weathered greenstone
feel the shakti rise and dance in one
cell, animate this cell, give life to this cell
sacrifice and make sacred all else
to this harbinger of truth, found in silence
– or song – in this perfect instinct

it started (22 Oct 2007)

14 Aug

it started- a small innocent thought
arose my mind, spontaneous
I was back with you

this is all you need, my mind
reminding me, (shape-shifting dagger),
He is your perfect equal, the rising moon, is he not?

don’t you remember how
wonderfully you love this
crazed out astro-man?

why let him go so soon?
Yes, it was a small innocent thought
And so it began

to marry sincere Pain with fallacious Suffering

what have I to gain
in indulging these thoughts
spontaneous, they are not the enemy

the innocent by-product perhaps
I gave life to
these could-ofs and should-ofs

I am caught in the contractions
of this story, creating a greater
distance between the next line

and what actually is
what is the escape when here
is dark and now is night

and there is nothing I can do
there is nothing for me to do
to shift sleep, it is not the where and when I seek

so all that is left, is to say
how long need I suffer when
I am the story teller behind this thought

the separation I feel
is the gap of judgement
and pain, the fierce (s)word of truth

I need space to close the gap
to catch the wind of Awake
and lean into her with my whole being

life is perfect (28 August 2007)

7 Aug

life is perfect
perfect beyond my ability
  of seeing

boundless time
escaping what clutters
  and empties

  drawn
as a heartstring
where do we rest

our pulsing red heart
blood on such a fine night
we are reminding, remembering

what it is to be present
for you give me just enough
love and a little pain

to lift and steady
my mind into now
(not then)

mountain desert (27 July 2007)

4 Aug

in the middle of a desert
where time has forgotten
  the ground
   down

   mountain
weathered from every
  elemental layer
to leave a heart

to leave a heart
  is
hard earth
red fire rock

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